These last couple weeks have been a killer, we are surviving but I am not sure if I am in such of the "holiday" spirit because of it. I think we need to go back more to the basics, especially since I saw the kids' lists. made me want to die how spoiled they are. SO we decided to scale back, a.lot.
I am in Enrichment and last week we had our Christmas Dinner, man was it a success, bit tiring, and then I got a quickie call to help out with the ward Christmas party. That is on Saturday, it will be awesome. These things defiantely are good because of the team that make them, and would be blah without.
I started putting Carson on a diet of food the family eats, YES it has taken me a while this I know. I am just so stinking tired of having to bring those blasted Dinosaur chicken nuggets wherever we go. We even put them on dry ice for our road trip to Bellingham this summer. Just so that he would eat. I will break him, I will, I will, I will. I am not the hard headed monster I am for nothing!
He definately is not liking things, but who would if you were given exactly what you wanted each and every time you asked. Bit of a shock for the little portly bugger. I decided to put things in force this last week, but next week during vacation are when I'm pulling out the big guns. Man is he going to be mad, madder than these last few days. He hasn't wanted to come home from school and even tried hiding in the bathroom, all for the love of a dinosaur (microwaved not baked, and has to be orange, NOT brown)
So that is me/us I'll get back to you...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
just some thoughts...
I have an amazingly good life, I really truly do. I feel as if it has been a long time coming though, a lot of hard work and heartache. I lot of pain, and anger and sacrifice. I've done it on my own for the most part, always have, still do for the most part (internally), most possibly because that is just how I have coped and I do what works for me.
A friend from Highschool, a really sweet sweet girl, who now is a woman has had to endure one of the worst possible situations imaginable, loosing a spouse. Also another sweet family memeber/ friend went through it last year. I know exactly how they feel, but it is different, with one her husband was taken from her unexpectedly and suddenly, and the other, like mine had chosen to do the things that had ultimately caused his death, I knew that it was coming. I knew, I was told by my Heavenly Father, I was being prepared for it by his addiction beforehand to be by myself, but I was not prepared. I was not prepared to tell my little boy, (who had already known beacuse of a dream) and I was not prepared to go alone through a pregnancy. I was not prepared even though I already knew. That life seems so far away now, a dream really, and I think I have blocked it out for coping purposes, because it was so hard, the hardest time in my life really. I was so young and naive, so full of hope and the possibilites in life, so wanting my dreams to be a reality.
My choices made my life hard, I know that I really really do, I was not prepared at all for the choices I made in my youth, I try still daily to make up for what I had lacked in age with love, so that it is not all for naught. I really hope my boys know that. I love being a young parent, that I am still able to relate to them and understand them, and remember what it was like to be them. I just wish they didn't have to suffer for my sins.
I am struggling with the fact that I did it all so very much alone. We didn't have Facebook, or blogging or internet really at all, so the masses really didn't know until years after he died. (Luke didn't even know until years later) but I think back to the fact of maybe it was who I was that made a difference to the support I had. Was it because I was a teen parent? A girl from no money? A Fairfield? A widow to a drug-addict? "That Melanie" or "Satan's spawn" as to what I was known in "that" family.
I really still haven't gotten over them, don't know if I ever really will actually, it hurts still, for my boys more than anything because they are from "me" that they are different to them. I don't let the boys know that though because I made my decision's to "ruin" his life. They didn't, they don't need to know the truth, they will on their own, definately not my place. I think they have made me stonger, for their hate of me, makes me want to show them how wrong they are, how I really am better than what they feel I was/am capable of. I am better than that, I am not that little girl anymore, never was really. But we all make mistakes, and we shouldn't be labeled by them or not be forgiven because of them. I am human, and I am nothing less than they are, even if they think I am. More imprtantly my kids aren't.
I seem insensitive to a lot of people, or "dead inside" and sometimes I really think it is true, I have so much I deal with internally and I know that is a huge issue, but it is one that I have had to have in my life. I didn't have a mother to nurture me as a child, or even now really. It is just biology that comes to play in that relationship, nothing more, but it still hurts. Guess that won't go away either.
I have an amazingly good life though and I am so blessed to have it, I have 4 such beautiful boys and the most amazing husband in the world. We both have our "issues" so it works. Since we have gotten married it has had it's "rough patches" like any marriage does, but we seem to be able to work together, despite what is thrown our way. We deal with a lot of "outside forces" that really test us, and what not, but we try and take things in stride.
When Carson was diagnosed and we were just back going to church we knew it would be hard, but we would be able to make it through. It has almost been four years, and now he is in general ed. He has only one "criteria" within his triennial that kept him having the diagnosis, which is social, other than that he is on track with his peers. That has been a long road, he graduates this year from his in-home ABA program, I am really sad about this, it has been such a big part in our life, I am not ready for them to be gone, he started to fade this week, I don't think I will be able to continue his progress without them. They truly are what has made him who he is. I really want to scream from the rooftops how well he has progressed, but I am saddened to all the other families who have been with the same struggles and haven't had our outcome. I am proud of my son, at the same time I know their loss as well. I love you.
I also have such pain inside for others who are stuggling, another friend who is going through some hard times that I wish I could take away, and Jaime with her cancer. I wish she knew how much we worry about her, how much we care, we have quite the "on again/off again" relationship and I wish, I just wish she knew how much we care how she is doing. But one day, one day I hope all the anger will be gone.
This is all quite depressing and I am really not sure why I am writing all of this, but I am and this is my blog, don't be offended. I said some things to a friend last week that has really stuck with me, how insensitive I seem to people, how I really am not quite able to express myself properly or with tact. I truly apologise, with everything I am, you didn't deserve me and my word vomit.
I wish you all knew why I am the way I am, I am so glad that Luke just "get's" me or puts up with me, either way he is here, and that is what matters. My boys, all 4 of them, they matter, Christ matters and the relationship I have with them, they understand and "get" me where others don't and I'm okay with that, ...for the most part.
Hey look, I posted and well it was long and crazy, but without the Ambien, maybe I should have had it and this wouldn't have been so long :)
******just a little edit: I don't dislike that whole family, there are a lot of nice members in it, they sure just didn't make it very easy for me to be a member. I am obviously still in the "I need to forgive" part in that part in my life. I am NOT perfect, nor to I try to portray that I am.******
A friend from Highschool, a really sweet sweet girl, who now is a woman has had to endure one of the worst possible situations imaginable, loosing a spouse. Also another sweet family memeber/ friend went through it last year. I know exactly how they feel, but it is different, with one her husband was taken from her unexpectedly and suddenly, and the other, like mine had chosen to do the things that had ultimately caused his death, I knew that it was coming. I knew, I was told by my Heavenly Father, I was being prepared for it by his addiction beforehand to be by myself, but I was not prepared. I was not prepared to tell my little boy, (who had already known beacuse of a dream) and I was not prepared to go alone through a pregnancy. I was not prepared even though I already knew. That life seems so far away now, a dream really, and I think I have blocked it out for coping purposes, because it was so hard, the hardest time in my life really. I was so young and naive, so full of hope and the possibilites in life, so wanting my dreams to be a reality.
My choices made my life hard, I know that I really really do, I was not prepared at all for the choices I made in my youth, I try still daily to make up for what I had lacked in age with love, so that it is not all for naught. I really hope my boys know that. I love being a young parent, that I am still able to relate to them and understand them, and remember what it was like to be them. I just wish they didn't have to suffer for my sins.
I am struggling with the fact that I did it all so very much alone. We didn't have Facebook, or blogging or internet really at all, so the masses really didn't know until years after he died. (Luke didn't even know until years later) but I think back to the fact of maybe it was who I was that made a difference to the support I had. Was it because I was a teen parent? A girl from no money? A Fairfield? A widow to a drug-addict? "That Melanie" or "Satan's spawn" as to what I was known in "that" family.
I really still haven't gotten over them, don't know if I ever really will actually, it hurts still, for my boys more than anything because they are from "me" that they are different to them. I don't let the boys know that though because I made my decision's to "ruin" his life. They didn't, they don't need to know the truth, they will on their own, definately not my place. I think they have made me stonger, for their hate of me, makes me want to show them how wrong they are, how I really am better than what they feel I was/am capable of. I am better than that, I am not that little girl anymore, never was really. But we all make mistakes, and we shouldn't be labeled by them or not be forgiven because of them. I am human, and I am nothing less than they are, even if they think I am. More imprtantly my kids aren't.
I seem insensitive to a lot of people, or "dead inside" and sometimes I really think it is true, I have so much I deal with internally and I know that is a huge issue, but it is one that I have had to have in my life. I didn't have a mother to nurture me as a child, or even now really. It is just biology that comes to play in that relationship, nothing more, but it still hurts. Guess that won't go away either.
I have an amazingly good life though and I am so blessed to have it, I have 4 such beautiful boys and the most amazing husband in the world. We both have our "issues" so it works. Since we have gotten married it has had it's "rough patches" like any marriage does, but we seem to be able to work together, despite what is thrown our way. We deal with a lot of "outside forces" that really test us, and what not, but we try and take things in stride.
When Carson was diagnosed and we were just back going to church we knew it would be hard, but we would be able to make it through. It has almost been four years, and now he is in general ed. He has only one "criteria" within his triennial that kept him having the diagnosis, which is social, other than that he is on track with his peers. That has been a long road, he graduates this year from his in-home ABA program, I am really sad about this, it has been such a big part in our life, I am not ready for them to be gone, he started to fade this week, I don't think I will be able to continue his progress without them. They truly are what has made him who he is. I really want to scream from the rooftops how well he has progressed, but I am saddened to all the other families who have been with the same struggles and haven't had our outcome. I am proud of my son, at the same time I know their loss as well. I love you.
I also have such pain inside for others who are stuggling, another friend who is going through some hard times that I wish I could take away, and Jaime with her cancer. I wish she knew how much we worry about her, how much we care, we have quite the "on again/off again" relationship and I wish, I just wish she knew how much we care how she is doing. But one day, one day I hope all the anger will be gone.
This is all quite depressing and I am really not sure why I am writing all of this, but I am and this is my blog, don't be offended. I said some things to a friend last week that has really stuck with me, how insensitive I seem to people, how I really am not quite able to express myself properly or with tact. I truly apologise, with everything I am, you didn't deserve me and my word vomit.
I wish you all knew why I am the way I am, I am so glad that Luke just "get's" me or puts up with me, either way he is here, and that is what matters. My boys, all 4 of them, they matter, Christ matters and the relationship I have with them, they understand and "get" me where others don't and I'm okay with that, ...for the most part.
Hey look, I posted and well it was long and crazy, but without the Ambien, maybe I should have had it and this wouldn't have been so long :)
******just a little edit: I don't dislike that whole family, there are a lot of nice members in it, they sure just didn't make it very easy for me to be a member. I am obviously still in the "I need to forgive" part in that part in my life. I am NOT perfect, nor to I try to portray that I am.******
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