Last of a first

So out of our 4 boys, Carson has for sure been the one who has chosen to NOT want to ride a bike. We have seen quite a difference in his physique since he has found food, and has not really enjoyed going outside to play. We really want to instill that being active is fun, and for him, he just hasn't seen it. When he was in his in-home ABA program, we tried unsuccesfully to learn to ride a bike, and for the past few days I have been having him practice on his bike. Now his bike is a little different, I had Luke take off the pedals, so that he could learn how to balance, and not have to pedal all at the same time. I felt this might be easier to do one step at a time, and minimize any damage to Carson, since he was already less than excited to ride in the first place.
Now Carson is highly addicted to the Angry Birds app on the iphone/ipad/computer...and he REALLY wanted us to upgrade on one of the many forms of AB apps, a light flashed on inside my mind when he was talking Luke into the upgrade. I told Luke that maybe Carson will have to earn his AB game by learning to ride his bike!
Last night Luke and I took Carson, and the dog for a long walk/ride. Carson kept trying to go home, and convince us that we were done. But we had to remind him that he needed to master his balancing before we would get him the game, which kept him going. By the end of our walk he was succesfully going for brief distances, and turning a 360!
Now today we had swim practice and Luke had taken the ipad with him to work, Carson was SO sad because he wanted to play the game again. I told him that 'when Daddy got home he could play, IF he learded to ride with the pedals.' Boy did that make him mad, but he knew I meant business. During the ride, he kept saying that I was "trying to kill him" and how could I make him do something so hard. (We hadn't even made it around the block) But I just kept reminding him that if he wanted to play, he needed to ride.
Well as luck would have it, he was getting better and better, and I told him that he needed to make it to the stop sign so I could record it for Dad to see while he was at work. Now we were running out of steam and I could tell he only had so much more left, and as he was riding to the corner I saw Luke coming down our street (the van is huge) and he saw Carson! So Luke pulled over, and Carson was so happy! Not sure if it was because he was riding and dad saw, or that the was riding and now the ipad with his game was now here. :P
So we had Luke record him one.last.time. riding from the corner to the house, so he could be done and play his AB's

Here is the proof:
We couldn't be much more proud of him. Makes me sad that we don't have video of the other boys when they learned. Tanner was by far the cutest, I don't think he was 4 when he was riding up and down the street with his "brubbers" and Carter, and Jaxson just took to it so fast, that the camera wasn't even thought of. Good thing to know that we have our handy dandy iphones to document now.

Mourning the loss of your dreams

When you have a baby, you have so many hopes, dreams, and aspirations for that child and can't wait for them to make their mark on the world..I don't think I have ever heard of someone saying "I sure hope I get a child with special needs!" However I HAVE heard many many times of "Just as long as they are healthy."
What happens to them if they aren't?
What happens if they are "different" ?
Will you love them any less?
For some the answer is "yes" and some "no"; but when you find out that the baby you had dreams and hopes for IS "different" in a society that holds so much pride in success...you mourn, because no matter how much you LOVE that child, and how ever much success that child makes in their life here on this earth, to many they take pity on you and your child.

But I have to say this, your hopes and dreams are shattered with the diagnosis, and with that shattering... comes new hopes, and new dreams, different but new.

Carson was 25 months old when he was diagnosed but cognitively he was 6 months old, so basically I have a toddler with the mental state of a baby. I mourned, I was SAD, I was SCARED, but not for me, but for HIM, because of how the WORLD,  how other people would treat him. Like he was/is somehow less than other's around him. 

He was completely non-verbal until he was over 3 years old, and not fully potty-trained until right before Kindergarten, had so much food aversions (still does, it is a work in progress), he still has very one-sided conversations, that everyday is a struggle. But he has come SO far. My hopes and dreams changed, that each and every milestone he does hit, is such an accomplishment, because it is a BIG deal! For the other 3 boys each milestone is a exciting moment, but for him it is a triumph, because it is so much harder for him to do the simplest of things that many parents take for granted. Like looking into my eyes, and him saying "blue", HUGE accomplishments. 

I look at all of the boys differently now, with new dreams, dreams of them being the best that they can be, not for what I want them to be, or what the world would want them to be. 

If they want to be a Lawyer, great! If they want to work as a garbage collector great! Just as long as they are happy, and the best at what they love to do, all I want from them is to be the best men that they can be, the best Husband's and Father's that they can be, if they even choose to be Husband's and Father's. Does that mean that we will let them slack because the "D" on their report card is the "best that they can be" is absolutely not, because I know that they are able to do more than that, but I am not asking them to have straight A's either. I want them to be the best version of who they are, and know that they are loved while doing so.

I just wish the world could see how much progress and accomplishments are worth and not just on the financial side of things. Do not pity him. He loves unconditionally, and completely, does it make me sad that he is "different" absolutely. But only because you treat him that way, or allow your children to treat him that way, there is NOTHING wrong with my child, for he truly is Christ-like he doesn't "get" why he doesn't have "play-dates" nor does he care, it makes me sad, not him. Because I know how mean, and hard the world is, he is protected in that sense. But his feelings DO get hurt, and he gets sad, and wonders why some people are the way they are. But it doesn't affect him the way it affects me, he forgives them, I am still the one who needs to be more Christ-like. 

So I have new dreams now, dreams that one day people will understand, people will teach their children to understand that everyone is different, everyone is beautiful. But I won't put a goal for my children to aspire to, because that is their choice, that is their dream. I just dream for happiness and peace.

Just HAD to share MAY be TMI for some readers, but outta the mouth's of babes I swear

So tonight Luke and I overhear Tanner and Carson in a discussion...Carson is in the bath while Tanner is in the shower.

Carson:Tanner my peepee is OLD!

Tanner: Why do you say that?

C: Because it is long and lumpy!

T: That is just a penis Carson, they are long and the testicles are lumpy.

C: NO TANNER MY PEEPEE IS OLD!!!!!

T: Carson peepee's aren't old until they have long gray hairs on them, do you have long gray hair's on your peepee?

C:No...

T:See so it isn't old!

(Luke comes into the bathroom while I am in tears from the pain of laughing)

L: Carson is your peepee old?

C: Yes daddy it is old, see?

L: No Carson it ISN"T old, because it is just 6 years old, and that isn't old at all.

C: Oh yes, daddy you're right!!!!

(I have Tanner come into the room to have a "talk" about seeing other's penis')

Me: Tanner have you ever seen a old gray hair penis before?

T: No...

M: Then why do you think they have hair on them?

T: Umm, duh mom PUBERTY!!! You get hair on it when you get puberty, just like on your underarms!

M: Yes, you are right, but why would old Penis' have gray hair on then?

T: because old people have Gray hair mom!!!

Oh how I love the innocence and intelligence of my sweet boys! Just too funny to NOT share!

An ear full of FUN

A couple of years ago Luke had to go to an overnight Scout training Seminar up at Chawanakee, and I got super bored with the kids and decided to go up there and pick him up. The boys were thrilled beyond belief, 1st because we got to get out of the heat, and 2nd because they got to go to "scout camp" and 3rd to see Dad :) While we were there the boys went swimming and had a great time, well for the most part. I sure am glad that the boys love each other and don't fight like typical boys do, but they sure have some good old dirty fun!

Lock Me Out why don't 'cha

Here are some lockers that I have had for quite some time, I had my lovely Grandma pick these up for me because they were in Visalia (where she lives) and then I got them from her that weekend. I loved, well still do love the idea of lockers, and they have moved throughout the house, spreading the love so to speak. They currently reside in our bedroom, and I like the extra storage, and the option to lock the kids out of the chocolate (or me during lent) and so here they stay for now at least. Before yucky yellowish

and now ravishing reds!

I might get tired of it later (like I do hair colors) but for now this is good for me!I really want another set, but the half sized ones, for a Buffet,or maybe a big block of them for a wall piece. But that would require much more space than our little house has... Thanks Grandma for getting me these beauties!!! Which I did pay her for, don't get any idea's of me trying to pull one over on dear old granny.

good v bad

I had an amazingly horrible week.
Lil C had sprained his knee and went to the ER on April Fools. I thought he just had a sick sense of humor like his mama, nope. Still these boys have inherited nothing from me, not a single thing other than the chin. This was great for him, he got a whole week of being catered to and full reign of the TV (that's not a big surprise though)
Big C got a BAD report card, and we are having to take some swim away for a bit, We knew it would be an adjustment to get back into the swing of things again, but school is more important than swim. SO if he wants to swim in the pool, he's got to swim with the fish in class with his schoolwork also/more. We feel horrible because of how well he does at it and how much he loves doing it, BUT he needs to remember that grades are most priority, not how many butterflys it takes him to get the lap done.
J is doing as good as can be expected, we all are having a hard time with the circumstances for him, really does break my heart. He know's how much we love him, and sadly it is up to us to protect him from things that he is not old enough to have to see. He is in the in-between stage, not a kid, not an adult, very lost, torn between homes/lives. hard for him, hard for us to have to let things be as hard as they are for him, but we cannot make another choose the right. He just needs to remember that we love him, unconditionally, and forever.
T is doing so well in school, A's and B's, writing needs improvement, we went to the OPEN HOUSE at his school and I was taken aback by what great handwriting he had, and I asked him about it; to which he replied "oh, that was for the principal, so obviously it needs to be the best!" I told him that from now on ALL his work needs to be his best, just like it would be going to the principle. If it continued to be sub-par he might have those assignments be brought to the principal, and he would not be proud of that.
Big Daddy L, I worry about him all the time, so much stress at work, and now once again with his Big|X|J, it is all just so hard.
I really wished she would know, really really know how important it is to us that lil J to have a relationship with her. Not just a relationship, but a meaningful one, not just one that it has been his whole life. I don't want to take her place, I just want to be able to love my son, and she despises me for loving him. I pray for her all the time, pray for her to be healthy, happy, well. I really just need to let Heavenly Father take care of the rest. I just wished she didn't hate us so much, when yes she can compel us to insanity, but we want so much more that life has to offer to her, happiness, love, peace. She just needs to let go of all of the anger to the life she chose not to have, and not to be upset that someone else that knew that was the life meant for me.
B.D.L is an amazing Husband/father, he does his all for his family. We are his family, and we mean it all to him. I love that man more that I can even muster the words to communicate my feelings. He is my Eternal Companion, the father to my ,children, the calm in my storm, the light in my barge.
I also started to Foster a yellow lab this week, lil C can't walk fully, we are going to see the options at church for that, and so he could'nt go to school, and now that ABA is done, and transition is 1 1/2 hours a week, we needed a project to help us. Marge is a very sweet older girl, she is still getting used to this life with 4 boys and a man, with a wife. I am her FAV though, I kinda like it while it lasts.

I had an fabulously great weekend

I went to TOFW, I am really blessed, I have a really blessed life. Sometimes it has been a hard life, it almost feels like a constant hard that I have just been weathering through. Like i'm at the 20.5 mile marker and can't see the end of the race end of 21 miles. We have a good many things, and then we also have a lot of storms passing in, and then just the constant haze of doubt. Doubt if you are doing it right and good.

Heavenly Father, Are we doing any good?

Are we doing all of this right?



Or are we all just missing the big picture and focusing on something out of our control?


........... H.E.L.P !!!!!!!


I have had a really horrible week, but an amazing weekend, Thanks to my wonderful Husband and my 4 precious son's who I would be lost if they were not all mine for Eternity. Most of all to my Heavenly Father and Savior who gets me through rough spots, and I KNOW that I can always count on them, and I know they are rooting for me in all that my soul strives for goodness. I just gotta give it up to the guys upstairs who know what good to do for me, to help others know how very sincerely that I DO care, and that I love my Husband, more than that though that my Husband knows I love him. That goes to the 4 boys though as well, no matter what, you are loved, no matter what is said, you are loved, no matter what others may persuade you to think, you are loved. YOU ARE LOVED you are loved YOU ARE LOVED

old to new

This is the "new" hutch that I wanted to welcome into our new home, which now is our "old" home because we have been here for a while. It had some slight issues, but hey now, don't we all?? She came to us with eau de faux orangeglass doors, and a bonus door that wasn't a door at all. So withalittle craftiness on my part, I saw the bead-board up at the tippy top and decided to go from there.

Work with what we've got, and that had been $20 so far... We also decided to bring in the cutest of troops to help a mama out on his 10 minute break out from his ABA

Doesn't he looked thrilled? He was just a baby when we started living here, 2 years goes by supa-fast!

The final project, it has now been moved from that wall to another, and well there is more stuff on it now. However it is still standing, and it looks just as good as it did when we brought it into the house! (minus a little dust)