Mourning the loss of your dreams

When you have a baby, you have so many hopes, dreams, and aspirations for that child and can't wait for them to make their mark on the world..I don't think I have ever heard of someone saying "I sure hope I get a child with special needs!" However I HAVE heard many many times of "Just as long as they are healthy."
What happens to them if they aren't?
What happens if they are "different" ?
Will you love them any less?
For some the answer is "yes" and some "no"; but when you find out that the baby you had dreams and hopes for IS "different" in a society that holds so much pride in success...you mourn, because no matter how much you LOVE that child, and how ever much success that child makes in their life here on this earth, to many they take pity on you and your child.

But I have to say this, your hopes and dreams are shattered with the diagnosis, and with that shattering... comes new hopes, and new dreams, different but new.

Carson was 25 months old when he was diagnosed but cognitively he was 6 months old, so basically I have a toddler with the mental state of a baby. I mourned, I was SAD, I was SCARED, but not for me, but for HIM, because of how the WORLD,  how other people would treat him. Like he was/is somehow less than other's around him. 

He was completely non-verbal until he was over 3 years old, and not fully potty-trained until right before Kindergarten, had so much food aversions (still does, it is a work in progress), he still has very one-sided conversations, that everyday is a struggle. But he has come SO far. My hopes and dreams changed, that each and every milestone he does hit, is such an accomplishment, because it is a BIG deal! For the other 3 boys each milestone is a exciting moment, but for him it is a triumph, because it is so much harder for him to do the simplest of things that many parents take for granted. Like looking into my eyes, and him saying "blue", HUGE accomplishments. 

I look at all of the boys differently now, with new dreams, dreams of them being the best that they can be, not for what I want them to be, or what the world would want them to be. 

If they want to be a Lawyer, great! If they want to work as a garbage collector great! Just as long as they are happy, and the best at what they love to do, all I want from them is to be the best men that they can be, the best Husband's and Father's that they can be, if they even choose to be Husband's and Father's. Does that mean that we will let them slack because the "D" on their report card is the "best that they can be" is absolutely not, because I know that they are able to do more than that, but I am not asking them to have straight A's either. I want them to be the best version of who they are, and know that they are loved while doing so.

I just wish the world could see how much progress and accomplishments are worth and not just on the financial side of things. Do not pity him. He loves unconditionally, and completely, does it make me sad that he is "different" absolutely. But only because you treat him that way, or allow your children to treat him that way, there is NOTHING wrong with my child, for he truly is Christ-like he doesn't "get" why he doesn't have "play-dates" nor does he care, it makes me sad, not him. Because I know how mean, and hard the world is, he is protected in that sense. But his feelings DO get hurt, and he gets sad, and wonders why some people are the way they are. But it doesn't affect him the way it affects me, he forgives them, I am still the one who needs to be more Christ-like. 

So I have new dreams now, dreams that one day people will understand, people will teach their children to understand that everyone is different, everyone is beautiful. But I won't put a goal for my children to aspire to, because that is their choice, that is their dream. I just dream for happiness and peace.