public or private?

I am contemplating on going private, but I am not sure, is it a big hassle to log in to read someone's blog? Are you already logged in to see your bookmarks in your browser? Is my blog even worthy of a private status?


I don't write mean things about people that I wouldn't want them to read, but then sometimes I get wierded about putting my kids names out there. I'm private on Facebook, why not here?


Advice anyone?


Anyone?



Does anyone even read this blog that I should worry about?



Does anyone even READ this blog?





I am planning on getting into this, now that all the kids are in school. I feel a bit more productive and want to start sharing with those who would like to be shared with. Just email me, or FB, if you know me that well then you should at least know how to contact me that way, and if not do a comment here and we can figure it all out
~m

Did you think I forgot?

Well, I haven't been keeping up too well on the good old blog, but hey I'm under a year right? It seems like the days just keep slipping faster and faster away from me, and then I am in bed again dreading for the next morning ritual to begin.

Tomorrow will be 10 years since Richard died, I really can't believe it has been that long ago. I talked with his mom today, and told her I would be thinking of her tomorrow and might call again, or shoot her a text/email. I feel bad for her. My life is different, I have a husband, and all of my children by my side, everyone is healthy and happy, and here. She doesn't.

The only thing I can compare the loss of a child to is when Carson got diagnosed, we loved him, and knew no matter what we would always love him. But there is a mourning process that you go through because it is the death of something you had dreamt for that child, for their future. Thankfully we have our little boy, with us and thriving, surpassing all goals we have put up for him. Her son is gone, not coming back, and his children live with me, and another person's son is raising her grandchildren. I feel bad for her, I feel bad for the choices her son made, to make it hard for others, still 10 years after he has died.

To make it worse I called her today for great news for us, not such exciting news for them. I didn't hear about the change until today, and I wanted to give those who wanted to come as much of a notice to come as possible. It just happened to come the day before her son's 10 year mark. They came to the sealing and that was pretty emotional, hard for them, hard for me even, to see the saddness in their eyes. To say goodbye in a sense, sad. But I know our loving Father in Heaven will make things well for all those who are worthy to be in his presence, and that we will all be complete in the end.

The great news is that on March 18, we are FINALLY completing the Adoption process we started 7 years ago. We will meet with the judge and the boys will be legally part of The Land of D! A name is a name, and we are a family in every sense of the word, Luke is their dad, they love him as much as he loves them. I know it also bothered them to constantly have to explain why their last names are different from everyone else in the family, but it is just a name. They WANT to be D's but they also want to be R's, they want all of the family represented, so they will just have really long names. We are constantly representing ALL parts of our diverse situation. D's, R's,VHDDN's (her last names), and my family with our diversity, and Luke's as well, it is just well, our constant.

It isn't bad, it just makes it different. We are all family though, biology does not make a parent in our home, that sounds mean, but it really isn't. A family takes care of each other, a mom rubs kids bellies, brings them medicine, and a cold washcloth when they are sick. Dad's take trips up to the snow and build forts/igloo's and fart all night long. Dad's tickle and wrestle while mom's yell to stop because it is bedtime and to quit getting the kids all riled up. It is our family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This is lil C's last moth of ABA, he will have some transition for a little while and then done. It has been over 46 months since we started 40+ hours a week in therapy. Now he has three shifts left, 6 more hours, total of ABA. He used to do that much in a day, at two years old.

WOW

Maybe I really am that mean of a mom...

Big C started school again, I realized I was doing him and the world a huge disservice by homeschooling him. He became lazy, like really lazy, not even wanting to pick up the mountain of clothes on his desk chair without a fit/flail of some sort. So I told him no more, he needed to be responsible to someone other than his mom, to direct in his learning while I continue to ruin his life by making him pick up his wet speedos from the floor after swim practice. He started the next day. He loves it, the girls think he is cute, and the boys wonder how it is he has such big muscles. He smiles a lot more and just tells anyone within ear shot that he swims...

J is in 6th and rides no longer alone to school since big C started coming along for the ride, and also isn't forgetting his lunch anymore! That could just possibly be that I haven't packed him one since C started because the school informed me that they provide both breakfast AND lunch at the school! so if they are really hungry they have a small bowl of cereal here and then ride to school and eat there also. Just you know a small bit of info to keep from your mom for months! The poor office ladies probably thought I was some crazy lady who only wanted her kids to eat food that came from home or something crazy when I brought his forgotten lunch to school.

He is sad right now because his 2nd Lizard died while on his weekend exchange and we told him he couldn't get another yet. He replaced the first within an hour of it dying and it was most definately not a teaching moment of mourning of the loss of a life. I happened to be black friday shopping and so Luke took him to buy it, I informed him that mourning needs to be addressed since we didn't know how the Cancer was going to be headed, and that if she died, you can't just replace her. All lives are valuable, regardless if it is a $5 lizard or your mom. So he is mad that he now thinks a week is mourning enough, we think he needs to show hard work/responsibility to show that he can provide for the lizard he wants. (we have consistantly purchased the food, when it wasn't supposed to be like that, but he had no $$) So he needs to show he can feed and work hard for the things he wants. He is a really good boy, just lazy

T is a trooper, he wakes at 6 and goes to school from 7:45-3:45, then has an hour of homework, every night. He loves it there, and likes nothing more than learning. He is a different kid, one of those quiet types who you think isn't listening, but ARE, ya, those type. But if you let him in just a little bit, he will talk your ear bloody. He just wants a warm body, you really don't even need to respond, just look in his direction and knod is good enough for him. (he really needs to work on his eye contact) he actually prefers if you don't respond! HA, wonder who's kid he is :)

Lil C is already not understanding that he has so much time off, he likes his teachers, and if he gets too much time off then he doesn't want to go to school at all. I need to find some playdates for the poor boy to keep him occupied a little better...if anyone wants we are free until 11 after the end of March :)

The big L is stressed, has a lot of work stuff going on, more info later as to changes for him, and me well I am the lucky lady who gets to clean up after all of these guys. I love my life!

Giving back

The company who has been giving Carson his in home program had a fundraiser tonight for Autism Research. I let everyone local, who I know or have their numbers to this fundraiser. I am so humbled by so many who have been touched by Carson in some way to want to come and help support him and kids like him.

Carson by far had the most fun tonight; he was greeted by teachers he has known since 2 years old, then family inside, more teachers, more family, friends from church, friends. He decided that everyone at the resturant was there for him! So he went to each table, one by one and thanked then for coming to "his party", he gave out hugs and everyone fell in love with our special boy. I would follow behind as best I could and when he did something inapropriate I would let them know of his diagnosis. They knew, they understood, they didn't judge. It was such a refreshing night. I wasn't worried of the glances, or "what is wrong with him looks" we were just being.


He was on such a roll with his audience he even turned around as we were leaving the resturant and yelled "BYE EVERYONE, THANKS FOR COMING TO MY PARTY!!!" and what got me was when they yelled back, "bye Carson!" (really wished I could have recorded it)
I am not a crier, and I got teary eyed. Thinking of him loosing these amazing people who truly love him, and him loosing them. They really are a part of us.


We were the only Autistic family there, for 2 hours, I know they sent out the flyers, I am sad no one showed. If their kids are like mine, you owe them BIG TIME, it wont hurt to take your family out for a meal to give back to someone who has given so much to you. Or maybe we are the odd family that cares.


They said that they will do more of these, and maybe a 5k later. come one and all people, our kids deserve it.

Thank you to those who came, we love you. Family who are friends, and friends who are family.

T.I.R.E.D.

These last couple weeks have been a killer, we are surviving but I am not sure if I am in such of the "holiday" spirit because of it. I think we need to go back more to the basics, especially since I saw the kids' lists. made me want to die how spoiled they are. SO we decided to scale back, a.lot.

I am in Enrichment and last week we had our Christmas Dinner, man was it a success, bit tiring, and then I got a quickie call to help out with the ward Christmas party. That is on Saturday, it will be awesome. These things defiantely are good because of the team that make them, and would be blah without.


I started putting Carson on a diet of food the family eats, YES it has taken me a while this I know. I am just so stinking tired of having to bring those blasted Dinosaur chicken nuggets wherever we go. We even put them on dry ice for our road trip to Bellingham this summer. Just so that he would eat. I will break him, I will, I will, I will. I am not the hard headed monster I am for nothing!
He definately is not liking things, but who would if you were given exactly what you wanted each and every time you asked. Bit of a shock for the little portly bugger. I decided to put things in force this last week, but next week during vacation are when I'm pulling out the big guns. Man is he going to be mad, madder than these last few days. He hasn't wanted to come home from school and even tried hiding in the bathroom, all for the love of a dinosaur (microwaved not baked, and has to be orange, NOT brown)


So that is me/us I'll get back to you...

just some thoughts...

I have an amazingly good life, I really truly do. I feel as if it has been a long time coming though, a lot of hard work and heartache. I lot of pain, and anger and sacrifice. I've done it on my own for the most part, always have, still do for the most part (internally), most possibly because that is just how I have coped and I do what works for me.


A friend from Highschool, a really sweet sweet girl, who now is a woman has had to endure one of the worst possible situations imaginable, loosing a spouse. Also another sweet family memeber/ friend went through it last year. I know exactly how they feel, but it is different, with one her husband was taken from her unexpectedly and suddenly, and the other, like mine had chosen to do the things that had ultimately caused his death, I knew that it was coming. I knew, I was told by my Heavenly Father, I was being prepared for it by his addiction beforehand to be by myself, but I was not prepared. I was not prepared to tell my little boy, (who had already known beacuse of a dream) and I was not prepared to go alone through a pregnancy. I was not prepared even though I already knew. That life seems so far away now, a dream really, and I think I have blocked it out for coping purposes, because it was so hard, the hardest time in my life really. I was so young and naive, so full of hope and the possibilites in life, so wanting my dreams to be a reality.



My choices made my life hard, I know that I really really do, I was not prepared at all for the choices I made in my youth, I try still daily to make up for what I had lacked in age with love, so that it is not all for naught. I really hope my boys know that. I love being a young parent, that I am still able to relate to them and understand them, and remember what it was like to be them. I just wish they didn't have to suffer for my sins.



I am struggling with the fact that I did it all so very much alone. We didn't have Facebook, or blogging or internet really at all, so the masses really didn't know until years after he died. (Luke didn't even know until years later) but I think back to the fact of maybe it was who I was that made a difference to the support I had. Was it because I was a teen parent? A girl from no money? A Fairfield? A widow to a drug-addict? "That Melanie" or "Satan's spawn" as to what I was known in "that" family.



I really still haven't gotten over them, don't know if I ever really will actually, it hurts still, for my boys more than anything because they are from "me" that they are different to them. I don't let the boys know that though because I made my decision's to "ruin" his life. They didn't, they don't need to know the truth, they will on their own, definately not my place. I think they have made me stonger, for their hate of me, makes me want to show them how wrong they are, how I really am better than what they feel I was/am capable of. I am better than that, I am not that little girl anymore, never was really. But we all make mistakes, and we shouldn't be labeled by them or not be forgiven because of them. I am human, and I am nothing less than they are, even if they think I am. More imprtantly my kids aren't.



I seem insensitive to a lot of people, or "dead inside" and sometimes I really think it is true, I have so much I deal with internally and I know that is a huge issue, but it is one that I have had to have in my life. I didn't have a mother to nurture me as a child, or even now really. It is just biology that comes to play in that relationship, nothing more, but it still hurts. Guess that won't go away either.



I have an amazingly good life though and I am so blessed to have it, I have 4 such beautiful boys and the most amazing husband in the world. We both have our "issues" so it works. Since we have gotten married it has had it's "rough patches" like any marriage does, but we seem to be able to work together, despite what is thrown our way. We deal with a lot of "outside forces" that really test us, and what not, but we try and take things in stride.



When Carson was diagnosed and we were just back going to church we knew it would be hard, but we would be able to make it through. It has almost been four years, and now he is in general ed. He has only one "criteria" within his triennial that kept him having the diagnosis, which is social, other than that he is on track with his peers. That has been a long road, he graduates this year from his in-home ABA program, I am really sad about this, it has been such a big part in our life, I am not ready for them to be gone, he started to fade this week, I don't think I will be able to continue his progress without them. They truly are what has made him who he is. I really want to scream from the rooftops how well he has progressed, but I am saddened to all the other families who have been with the same struggles and haven't had our outcome. I am proud of my son, at the same time I know their loss as well. I love you.



I also have such pain inside for others who are stuggling, another friend who is going through some hard times that I wish I could take away, and Jaime with her cancer. I wish she knew how much we worry about her, how much we care, we have quite the "on again/off again" relationship and I wish, I just wish she knew how much we care how she is doing. But one day, one day I hope all the anger will be gone.



This is all quite depressing and I am really not sure why I am writing all of this, but I am and this is my blog, don't be offended. I said some things to a friend last week that has really stuck with me, how insensitive I seem to people, how I really am not quite able to express myself properly or with tact. I truly apologise, with everything I am, you didn't deserve me and my word vomit.



I wish you all knew why I am the way I am, I am so glad that Luke just "get's" me or puts up with me, either way he is here, and that is what matters. My boys, all 4 of them, they matter, Christ matters and the relationship I have with them, they understand and "get" me where others don't and I'm okay with that, ...for the most part.
Hey look, I posted and well it was long and crazy, but without the Ambien, maybe I should have had it and this wouldn't have been so long :)





******just a little edit: I don't dislike that whole family, there are a lot of nice members in it, they sure just didn't make it very easy for me to be a member. I am obviously still in the "I need to forgive" part in that part in my life. I am NOT perfect, nor to I try to portray that I am.******

new love

So I went to Batter-up pancakes a few weeks ago and I had their pumpkin pancakes, they are to.die.for. anyways despite their pancakes being so good I can't afford going there on a regular basis, much less take the whole family. I got to working on a quick knockoff and I think they are mighty tasty myself and SO quick, easy and cheap, oh yeah and pretty healthy since it has the pumpkin in them. So here you go for a little taste of fall that goes the whole year thru


3 cups pancake mix
2 1/2 cups water
cup of pumpkin
tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice (trader joes is the best and cheap)
mix mix mix and then cook!
top with some sort of whipped goodness and maple syrup


yummm

I'm back...

I am back and I am not going to be funny, nor crafty. If those sort of things do happen to come to this site, well then someone has possibly hacked into said blog. Im not sure if I want this public or private, but when I do I will let you all know. Oh and a little tid bit of warning if I am blogging at night and have already taken my ambien, then I cannot be held accountable to the words I write. This whole idea might quite possibly be a reaction to such a late night ambien induced moment of non-clarity....so I guess it will be a wait and see. I could go on but, lil C is sick and we all know how luke reacts to those sorts of things and I hope I will be able to sleep, if not Luke will be lunch maker in the am.